Friday, June 17, 2005

Fear of BeingTouch

I had told to one of my none-Kuwaiti friend about it while we were chatting on instant massages. Of course, she was shocked and angry. She said that explains everything, the way I act, think or react and she said “that’s why you don’t like to be touched too …”. I was surprised “me? I don’t like to be touched?” I never realized that until she mentioned it. Exactly, I don’t like to be touched by anybody. When somebody touches me, I bound to have my own space from the other person.

30 Comments:

Blogger Miranda said...

Have you told your family? or is this the only person you've told. and is the guy still in your life?

7:34 PM  
Blogger Aisha said...

Thank for commenting on my blog. No I haven't told anyone except for her. I am now not in touch as before with her since she lives in other country, so I havn't told her everything. The guy is not my life for 2 years. I stayed with him 18 months after the rape experience because I felt I had to it and that is the right way.

7:50 PM  
Blogger Miranda said...

So you are 20 now?

7:56 PM  
Blogger Aisha said...

no, almost 24

8:38 PM  
Blogger Miranda said...

sighs...it's so sad that you are going through this all alone.

Im assuming you still live at home?

Have you ever had councelling on this? if not, would it be possible?

8:44 PM  
Blogger Aisha said...

yes, I live home with parents. I was living abraod when it happened. I tried councelling there but it didn't work because I feel I am not ready. I think it's possible to get help here but I don't feel like it because it's not easy for me to talk about my feelings to strangers. I just prefer to keep it to myself rather taling to stranger.

9:18 PM  
Blogger Miranda said...

I understand. I've never been through that, and cant even say I could imagine what its like. I think keeping this blog is a good way to release your feelings, its very theraputic. I wish I had some wise words of wisdom, or some kind of magical words to make you feel better.

9:26 PM  
Blogger Aisha said...

Thanks Miranda. I hope this blog will help me heal from it. It took me such long time to start a blog, hesistating, but I will try to write freely about it.

9:36 PM  
Blogger Miranda said...

*smiles. not a problem. This probably doesn't help much. But dont forget you are young, you have a wonderful life ahead of you. He may have taken your virginity, but your heart and soul still belong to you.

9:43 PM  
Blogger Aisha said...

Thank you, really nice words you said ;) I will keep that in mind

9:55 PM  
Blogger TANTALIZE said...

Virginity in Kuwait is not valued as much as it used to be anyhow.

Are you sure you did not consent one bit in any form to the supposed 'rape?'

Have you had sex since then? If so what would that state and how has it turned your life?

7:49 PM  
Blogger A3sab said...

I dont want to sound cruel or judgemental, but you dont really mention the details of the incident so we dont know if you resisted or said NO. The guy is abviously not a mind reader so unless they are told NO they will think that what they are doing is okay with the other person. I dont know how you can categorize this as Rape since you did not express any kind of objection.
I do sense that you feel an immense amount of guilt after going through with the deed.I do feel sympathetic to you situation.
I really think you should talk to a psychiatrist on this matter so you you can deal with the situation and get over the guilt. It is not the end of the world to lose your virginity. I am Kuwaiti too and i know how you would feel but times have changed and believe it or not many girls your age have had sex out of wedlock. You can still have dreams and get married and have a family, but first thing's first. You have to go to counseling to help you get over your dillema.

4:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey well i was raped as a small girl and that was for like 5 years of my life and by my brother what would you do?

9:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now..isn't it sad the way you handle all of this tragedy. Girl..you should have trust in yourself..you did not fail yourself or your family, you did not betray the trust or confidence of anyone, you did not lose your life or future. You just lost your faith in ONE person. Your whole life is ahead of you and it starts tomorrow morning. Wipe all those tears and smile, kiss your father and mothers hands in respect and see the sun shine, love everyone you see on your way tomorrow.. wave and greet all the people you see.. do good deeds and see the smile on everyone you help, helping others will give you a very solid feeling of respect and faith. We need you aisha, grab you future in your own hands, look back on what happened and smile in content that you did get over it. Many things will still come in your way where you think life just ended there..but it WILL go on..I felt it when my son died..I have tears on my face as I mention this..it was hard ... but life went on..don't give up your dreams cs one did not come true..don't lose faith cs one prayer was not answered, don't lose your life cs one day was dark.

2:13 AM  
Blogger Barbara said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

3:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so sorry this happened to you! I have gone through the same thing only he wanted to date me not marry me and I am an American Christian so we don't take sex quite as seriously but in the bible it says to only be with one man so I was saving virginity for my husband..then a month after I started college that happened. And i know exactly how you feel.I felt that way too! I once had a nice guy that was interested in me but he left because i was afraid to be alone with him and i wouldn't let him touch me or be close to me in any way...
i don't know if this will give you hope or not. But three years later I still was alone. I still hadn't healed. I still felt like I could never be intimate with a man...
then I met a man named Marvin. He was enamored by me but i didn't even give it a second thought because I felt so isolated. I almost felt handycapped because of the rape---esp. since it was my only experience with a man. I'd never even kissed a man b4. Marvin was so understanding and paitent. I couldn't believe it. I just assumed he would b annoyed like all the other guys so i ignored him and he waited for me to come around. He made me dinner and he was so respectful to me. I was afraid to tell him what happened and when he asked me if I was a virign i didn't know what to say. He worked with me. First he just talked with me. Then he got me to hold his hand and start feeling comfortable around him. He was so sweet all the time and understanding. Eventually I consented to a relationship with him and he never crossed the line or forced any issues. He respected everything I said. I didn't even have to say no for him to stop doing something i didn't like. He waited for me and we ended up having the most wonderful relationship just when I started to think I would be alone forever.

Because of him I am okay now; )
Good luck girl. Hopefully it will get better for you.

10:58 AM  
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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, my name is Kelly
I completely know what your going through, i have just had an experience of my own that i dont know how to deal with, i was raped as well and mine i hate to say wasnt as pleasent as yours, not that it was pleasent anyway considering rape is never pleasent but the way mine was and who did it really sucked and i hate my life, i blame myself and really wish it never happened because now i know the rest of my life will be different and has been since it happened i mean i have managed to somehow deal with it, but its still hard especially when your boyfriend wonders sometimes why you curl up in a ball and start crying, wonders why sometimes you wont let him touch you and why you dont want to talk about it, when the truth really is its too painful to bring up even though its always there and you cant prevent it...

If you want you can email me at my personal email address at xhotty90x@yahoo.com, and we can help each other out with this....considering we have both been through a terrible situation i might live like what halfway around the world or so ok i dont know exactly i didnt do good in geography but thats not the point, point is i really dont know how to deal with this either and we could help each other....hope to hear from you soon

Kelly

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Hey, my name is Kelly
I completely know what your going through, i have just had an experience of my own that i dont know how to deal with, i was raped as well and mine i hate to say wasnt as pleasent as yours, not that it was pleasent anyway considering rape is never pleasent but the way mine was and who did it really sucked and i hate my life, i blame myself and really wish it never happened because now i know the rest of my life will be different and has been since it happened i mean i have managed to somehow deal with it, but its still hard especially when your boyfriend wonders sometimes why you curl up in a ball and start crying, wonders why sometimes you wont let him touch you and why you dont want to talk about it, when the truth really is its too painful to bring up even though its always there and you cant prevent it...

If you want you can email me at my personal email address at xhotty90x@yahoo.com, and we can help each other out with this....considering we have both been through a terrible situation i might live like what halfway around the world or so ok i dont know exactly i didnt do good in geography but thats not the point, point is i really dont know how to deal with this either and we could help each other....hope to hear from you soon

Kelly

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