Thursday, April 07, 2005

Trying to Regain Life After Being Raped

It was a week after my 18th Birthday. I never thought that event has changed my whole life, my personality, my spirits, my future, the way I look to the world. Even it's been few years, I still struggle to have clear thoughts and be focused in my life.

He was my male friend, just a friend and no more. He was 25 years of age. I still don't know why he did it and what he thought of me. I am Middle Eastern girl and Kuwaiti. He was Middle Eastern guy and Kuwaiti too. I was such naive girl and I still question and blame my self "why did I let him do it?" He told me he needed a help picking out some clothes to go out. So I went up stairs never knew what awaits me that changed my whole life. He closed the door behind me, showed me his wardrobe. I cannot recall the exact details on what happened or how it started. Maybe my unconsciousness mind wants badly to forget what happened that night. Then the next thing I knew I was on his bed after he undressed my lower part of my clothes.

I don't know I feel stupid, and weak. I don't know why I didn't resist him, kick him or scream. I wasn't aware of what was going on. I hate my self because I lacked on sexual knowledge. I never knew what's rape like, or having sex is. It's banned to talk about sex or mention the word sex in my family or basically in Middle Eastren Culture. So I don't know when a guy approach me sexually is like.

That night, I let him to rape me. I hate my self, I really do, I still hate my self. After I lost my virginity, it felt weird. He asked me if I needed to go to the bathroom which I did. I still don't know what happened. But later, I realized that I am not virgin anymore which I realized too what happened and the consequences of that action. I couldn't believe that it did happened to me. "I am a disgrace to my family honor. Is my brother going to hate me or maybe kill me? My dad?? Oh my God, my mom will be in schock. I am not a good girl anymore..." but I believe I am a good girl. I never had boy friend, or flirted. All my teenage life, I was focusing on school and studying. I was such an ambitious girl who earned straight A's in school and dreamed to finishing college, form family, kids, and a life that everyone dream of. But I cannot live that dream after that night. All my dreams had fanished on one event.

I went back to his room shocked, disbelieve. He told me "Do you know what happened?". I said in low voice "Yes". He said "You are not a girl anymore. You are mine...." . I start sobbing. He said "we can get married now if you want to. Then I will ask your hand later from your parents". I refused and I cried even more. No, I am not going to marry my rapist.

I couldn't believe that was happening to me. "Why me? Why me? What did I do wrong in my life to deserve this?" I always question Allah until this day. I cannot find an answer. I even think that Allah don't exist anymore. Why Allah wants me to suffer and be miserable for the rest of my life?

I started to fear people and I cannot ever trust any person especially males. I start to every everybody gets near me, fearing to be touched and raped. "Dose this guy wants to rape me?" My life turned to be unstable and basically living in fear all the time. I never feel safe. I turned to be unhappy person, deattaced my self to my friends, and family. My grades has dropping down, and now I am out of college. I decided to keep this to my self, but it's killing me. I cannot keep this secret to my self anymore. "What should I do?" I know my life is doomed now and I could never find anyone to love me, and support me and be my life partner. I will be a loner for the rest of my life. My life sucks!! I hate my life!!


Blogger bornfool said...

I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I know you are blaming yourself, but it's not your fault. I'm not an expert or anything but rape is not about sex; it is about power and control. He's a very weak, weak man, at least in his mind. It made him feel powerful to do that to you. I'm sorry. What I'm saying probably doesn't mean much to you because you are hurting so bad. I wish there was something I could do to take your pain and uncertainty away. Just know that even though I am a half a world away, I am continually praying for you and I care deeply about you. If you want to talk, know that I will be reading your blog or you can e-mail me personally at
You are in my thoughts, lejnd
(My real name is tom.)

9:28 PM  
Blogger Aisha said...

Thanks for your comment. I really need to hear people what they think about my post, my thoughts and my feelings. I know you cannot do anything but I have to live with it and I try to improve my life by writting my feelings to the world.

5:39 AM  
Blogger SheWhoShallNotBeNamed said...

i think the whole story is just a make-believe for sensationalism..come on girl/boy...try harder for a more plausible story!!! wallah 3aib!!!!

4:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why dont you believe her?

10:37 AM  
Blogger Miranda said...

My heart goes out for you. no one should have to go through that, its bad enough, but then to have to worry about "I am a disgrace to my family honor. Is my brother going to hate me or maybe kill me? My dad?? Oh my God, my mom will be in schock. I am not a good girl anymore..." Im sorry, but we are in the 21st century, and I have a hard time dealing with that tradition.

7:32 PM  
Anonymous realityMustBeToughForYou said...

I'm sorry, this was not rape. Since you did not do anything to indicate to him that you did not want the sex nor did he do something forceful to you (infact he even offered to marry you!) this is DEFINITELY not rape.

your not having knowledge of what sex is does not make something rape. rape is when you KNOW what sex is, someone approaches you FORCEFULLY, maybe he would even have held you at knifepoint or beaten you, and then forces sex on you...

from what you described, this just sounds like sex.

if you only knew what real rape was like, then you would know that you're doing a disservice to those women who really have been raped. ignorance is a choice, and one that you chose, might i add. Cultural norms are only forced upon weak minds

10:49 AM  
OpenID Daloo3a said...

Christ! she didnt want it! how was it not rape?! Most rape victims can't say no because they are speechless, limbless, they feel dead inside. babez. u want to talk.. email me
blog about it, it will make u feel better ..
You were a victim of something horrible, awful but remember he will be punished.
It was not your fault.

8:36 PM  
Blogger Judith said...

It was rape, make no mistake about it. As for realitymustbetoughforyou's comments, well we see remarks like that a lot of the misogynistic type men. Rape comes in many forms, from the dreadfully violent like mine to those that are a power trip for the man like yours. What is worse is that he did what he did to you KNOWING that your own family might well kill you for honor as a result. When he raped you he was exerting HIS power of YOUR life and that is despicable.

Late at night (that time we call ' The Hour Of The Wolf' here) when you feel like the loneliest woman on the planet, and all you can feel is the frantic beating of your own heart please know that you are not alone. You are not alone, all around you there are women like you, like us. You do not know us but we are there with you, we are your sisters. Kind Regards, Judith.

3:37 AM  
Blogger Foreveryoung said...

Darling, that was amazing of you to share that. It is so good you are reaching out. I give you my hand!

There is nothing shameful about you, your situation, or any of the variables that you question, and definately not your lack of knowledge...we all lack knowledge.

With such a soul that wants to chain and hurt you, you must not blame yourself. It is their responsibility.

As Judith so gratefully said, we are your sisters. Your suffering and confusion will gradually alleviate in time and the further away it is in the past, the further more you will be to feeling safe. And 'safe' will be a closer feeling you will detect more sensitively in the future-something u will be able to rely on to be sure of your absolute safety. So much faith and warmth for you. Mel. xox

9:28 PM  
Blogger Changed said...


I just want to say that it's horrible how things like this can happen to people like you. Many other women out there experience the same. It's sucha shame that men have to go out and do things like that to perfectly fine females like yourself. Women are strong we can't let something in our past dictate the future. Gain control and let this experience be a better part of you. Think of the possitive things that you have become.

12:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I believe that you were Raped, the fact you didn't understand what was going on makes it worse. That man took advantage of you!! You should not have had to go though that. As for it being your fault. It wasn't... it was his. When raped, you try and block it out you try and ignore what is going on? You think the sooner this is over, I can get on with life. But you can't. You go over and over what happened and realise that you should have done things differently. However you reacted the exact same way I did. I did try and stop my rapist at first. But what is the point, they are going to do it anyways. Rapists plan to do these things and they will do anything to do it. I would like to give you some words of advise to help you get over the event, but I am not over what happened to me and wouldn't be able to help you. However know that there are people out there in the same boat as you. You are not alone and there are plenty of people who can help you though this difficult times

1:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I felt exactly the same way after I was raped and had a very similar experience with my rapist (telling me that I was now a woman and all). Hang in there, that's the only advice that I can offer, and know that he no longer has control over you. You have the choice to get better now and re-gain your life if you put your mind to it. Just keep swimming and eventually you'll find your way home. :)

10:22 PM  
Blogger Changed Life said...

Being raped is no joke... Ive been raped myself and losing your virinity is no joke also. I lost mine to an much older man.. and he told me in my face that i belonged to him.. I wa sraped not to long ago to a friend of mine, thinking that he was trustworthy. nevertheless he wasn't threw m eon the began taking what he wwanted. So for everyone who thinks this woman is telling a lie.. Shame on you!!! She didn't want the sex and god forbid he took it anyway.. and then joked with her after he got it!!! How would anyone say that isn't rape!!!!
Aiesha, I know what you are going through right now. One day you are happy and joyful and the next momment it all get ripped right from you.. We both are standing in the same shoe here and it's not a funny act. It's incredible to know that the person you thought you trusted the most would do such thing. Our bodies and minds are changed. But we have to be strong women not let what happen harm us for the rest of our lives

6:58 PM  
Blogger thaido said...


11:52 AM  
Blogger letstalkaboutit said...

First let me say on behave of all mothers who has had a child raped that I am so sorry for the hell that you now live for a choice that was made for you and without your undeniable consent.
I am not here to judge, ridicule or decide fault.
When my 18yr. old daughter came to me and say she had been raped, there was no room in my thoughts for blame, truth, revenge, disgrace or anything other than my precious little Morning Star had collided with the Moon of Darkness. She was hurt and as her mother it was my duty, obligation, but above all, my desire to fix what was broken.
It is your duty to go to your mom and allow her to help you. If you feel you can't go alone then find a rape counselor where you live and have her to go with you to break the news. You tell yourself all of these awful things that keeps your head all messed up, and you have got to stop that.
Predators tend to prey on your fears, they know you won't tell and there for they get to repeat this behavior over and over.
Read this and remember this:
In keeping your mouth shut, you are allowing this man to repeatedly rape you. He raped you and stole your virginity and now you give him the power to rape your mind on a day to day basis. he longer you stay hush hush about this the more people you help him expose this abuse upon. Though you feel right now you may never have the love and family you desire, that don't make it true. What if you have that beautiful bouncing baby girl and this guy or his offspring should encounter your daughter, WHAT THEN? Also, if your family does not stand beside you through this ordeal, you need to remember, this is your life and only you can live it for you. Your family will go on, you are the one living in hell. God never forsakes us so we must not forsake him. There is no rhyme or reason as to why God allows somethings to happen. We are not to question him. Obvious you did nothing wrong for his horror to be inflicted up you, but sweetie, with God, remember the end is always justified. Just hold on to your faith, believes, and upbringing, and then watch how things will work themselves out. Take care of yourself and you are in my prayers.

1:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I had a similar situation happen to me 15 years ago and I have been trying to go on with my life not realizing that so many of my issues and hurts stemmed from my rape. I never sought counseling or even told anyone the full extent of what happened because I really trusted this person and would have never in a million years thought that he would hurt me in such a way. For him, it was power, and I felt helpless. I suffer from the same issues such as difficulty trusting people, being very frigid when touched, isolating myself...and the list goes on. I am happy for you that you have identified what happened to you and are working through it. The previous blogger stated it best when she referred to a Morning Star colliding with the Moon of Darkness.
Best wishes to you,

8:01 PM  
Anonymous Hazel Dawn said...


The first thing you need to do, is to believe in Jesus Christ, the Son of God, there is no such thing Allah, and I am sorry if you think there is, you have been lead down the wrong road, and it does not matter where you are from, or how you were raised, because if you are on the internet like I know you are, in order for you to find this, and able to post to it. If you have the Lord Jesus Christ in your heart, he will take the pain away, and that is the only way you would be able to get through the trama in your life. And those of you that think she did not get raped, is so wrong, because you were not there, so you do not know what happen, there are ONLY 3 people that know the truth and it is her and the boy and the Lord Jesus Christ. If you want to talk to me about Jesus then feel free to e-mail me, let me know in the subject who you are, so I don't delete it. Hazel

3:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was raped too. I also was a virgin. I knew what sex was and I knew what he was doing. I was afraid if I fought or screamed he'd hurt me worse. I did not want to have sex with him. After he was done he said " you were acting all wild for nothing. It didn't hurt bad you were just scared". He claimed we were good together and talked a lot about how he couldn't wait for the next time. There were nexts times. 3 or 4 times. Even if I said no he'd eventually have sex with me. Around the third time I just lay there let him do it and said nothing. Outwardly I never showed disgust at what he'd done to me, but inwardly I was a wreck. It hurt my breasts were bruised and I hated the whole thing. I have not told my family. Not the police or anyone. I never want to tell never want people to look at me differently, but your story touched my heart. And I had to reach out to you. Just fill yourself with love. All the things you love in life. I have family pictures books and pictures of rainbows all around me because it keeps the ugliness away. You are in my prayers Aiesha and you are not alone.

6:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i spent two years getting molested by the guy i had a crush on and he took advantage of me. I let him as well. I guess our situations are differnt, but I know what it feels like to feel dumb after being submissive. It's not your fault a man took advantage of your vulnerabilty. Being raped is a shock, the face you didn't react isn't a weakness, it's human not being able to process such horrible reality at the moment. stop blaming yourself.

9:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Aiesha, let me just say I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. I was raped 10 months ago and then got sexually assaulted two months later. its hard to get past it. I tried to forget that happened but that only helps for a little while. Its tough to face things on your own. Try and reach out to someone like a counselor or a close friend. Someone that you know you can trust. These kind of issues are not going to go away by themselves. You do have to deal with them but you also have to move on. I know its painful and its going to hurt alot. But you can do this! Once you get past this you're going to see the beauty of life again! I promise, you're going to make it. Don't listen to these other losers that tell you it wasn't rape. it was. When I was raped I didnt think I was raped for a while but he took advantage of me and I told him no but he didn't get out. So you were raped. Keep your head held high girl! Youre gonna make it through this! We both will! With love and caring arms,
Ashleigh <3

3:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


I'm sorry to read another story like this in the internet, but I think it is the only way we could express our feelings... how hurt that it feels like... the pain we are in. I was raped too... 3 weeks ago by a stranger. And I felt so miserable, broken ,tattered or sometimes I called myself differ not from a whore, but I know I'm not because I don't engage myself into sex. I am a virgin and 19yrs old, but this demon stole it and ruined my life. Before, I told myself virginity is the greatest gift I could give for my future husband... and now, I feel undeserving... I don\t know if I have still life to look on tomorrow. I felt so broken...even though I'm still living... I know my life would not be like before. My old self died and no matter how I tried to be like my old self I can't be. I felt some special thing had lost inside me... my body and soul. I feel so dirty to myself and I know no one will accepts me. My dad doesn't know of this yet... and I'm scared of what he will say... will reacts of what happened to her daughter. My mom cried the whole time of what happened to me and I don't want them to see because the pain... the burden just doubled up inside my chest and I can't let it out.

Now... I was trying desperately to live with this second life God gave to me.... I know all things happen for a reason. There is reason why I was raped. There is reason why I'm still living and breathing...

Aisha we must be strong enough... you are not alone.

9:48 PM  
Anonymous kevin blumer said...

yer i was raped quite a few years back yer i know you will probably feel bad dirty and bad but it wasnt your fault people who rape other people have no sense of how mutch hurt they create

12:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Aiesha, I am really touched by your story, and I know what you are going through. it happened to me more than 4 years ago and today was the first time that I called the police, to see if I can bring the rapist to court. All those years I blamed myself, I was full of self-hatred and like you, I stopped studying, eventhough, like you I was very good in studying. I do really not understand how we women have to deal with this, but there is one thing that I know and that we have to start changing the world for the better. Men think that they are superior to us, and that they can take from us whatever they want. But God/ Allah gave you your brains to study, not to be sad and to cry. the minute when he invited you in the room, evil forces took over. God / Allah did not want that. He wants you to flourish and be loved. Its time that we women start to tell the men that they are not superior to us, but inferior. Look what evil men are capable of. they even rape a girl of 5 years old. What women would do something so evil? The time has come that we can not longer allow men to be in power of our world, because they make a mess of it. You are stronger and smarter than your rapist. He is filth, you are beauty. You deserve to be happy and to study. he deserves to swipe the floors of jail. We women have to unite, so that our children one day will say: remember those were the days when men were still raping women. Just like we now say: remember, those were the days when the black men was sold as a slave. One day this obnoxious behaviour will be in the past and you are going to help with that. So get up and study and one day you will be in a powerfull position in your society. You have the talent, he just has the evilness in him. Good luck.

10:54 PM  
Blogger sunbrooke71 said...

I was raped by my counsolor,A counsolor i knew for awhile and trusted,this guy knew everything about me,held me agaist a brick wall penetrating my anal and vigina,he put his hand over my mouth so i could not scream.after he was finsihing raping me,he walked away and got in his car and left,I just sat on the dirt crying.I have been to thousands of shrinks,thousands of group meetigs and thousands of meetings for people that have been raped.I dont do anything all day except watch tv,i go to the grocery store but if some one comes near me i freak out and leave,my husband has left me,my kids dont understand.I feel like an old lady inside.I am always sick and tired and my nightmares are horrible,I feel like something is ontop of me and i try and try to get it off of me and i cant,just when i think it is to late i wake up.I am not to sure what i can do but i cant live like this anymore,

1:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hi i am truely sorry about what happened to you although i no exactly what you r going through.... although my wounds r fresh and i was raped just a wk and 3 days ago.... but i did do somethimng about it and he is in jail.... but i understand the fear of all of this the thought of being touched by anyone makes me sick to my stomach and the fear of who can i trust....I trust noone at all.....i wont go out in public because i am afraid and scared for my life.... If it wasnt for my family i would not be able to follow through w all the heartach and fears!!! and never will the pain go away.... please no that i am praying for you and anyone that has to go through w this for the rest of their lives...... praying for you and it it not your fault.... no matter if you never new what rape was or whatever the circumstances r woman deserves to go through this....

8:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

first of all it is not your fault i was raped when i was twelve years old and i had and still have some of the same thoughts that you have you need to tell someone it took me awhile to tell anyone but i finally did and my family didn't support me i am 18 now and i am finally talking about it to the my cousins who are listening to me and i am finally getting help for it and don't worry your whole life is not ruined there will be a guy for you that will love you and you can marry and have kids with so don't worry and if your family doesn't want to talk about it or doesn't believe you keep on telling people untill somebody believes you and if you want to talk to someone who knows and has been through what you are going through my E-mail address is

12:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Aeisha, Salam,

I am very sorry to read what you went through. I can relate to what you have written. The exact same thing happened to me 2months ago. I had pride that I was still a virgin and that this would be a great gift to my husband one day.

I started to date a boy to consider for marriage from a matrimonial website. His mother knew of me, as well as his Aunty. He called me everyday to talk and I thought he must be very very keen. He even removed his profile from the matrimonial website. We met for dinner 3 times, which was nice and had a day out.

I liked that he respected that I was still a virgin and had no previous boyfriends (I am 28yrs old and he said it was too
good to bs true and was so happy) and said he was happy to wait til we got married (if we got married).

Then one day when he came to know my parents were not home and only my brother he insisted on coming to my home, even though I was unwell. He said he would look after me. As my brother was home I said it was fine and I had no reason not to trust him- we had been talking for almost 2months. He said his mother knew he was coming so I thought at least an adult knows.

He came in my room when my brother stepped out for a little while and said he did not want to sleep with me. But within 5mins he had me turned on my tummy and was anally raping me. I could not believe it was happening, I felt paralysed, shocked, in pain, but he carried on without consent. It was so painful. I remember thinking, "it's too late, it's happening". I felt helpless. Afterwards he acted like nothing happened. He told me to shower and heat up food.
I was in denial that it happened and it only really sunk in when he left the next day. He couldn't look me in the eye but was then overly grateful for stupid things like me passing his food.

How can someone love you if they can do that?!

I was such a happy person before this but those 5mins have changed my life. I feel I can't be the same person and sometimes don't feel like making an effort with anything. To look good or to have fun. He TOOK such a sacred thing from me without asking.

It took me 3 weeks to tell my brother and a friend. I realised I cannot get through this alone. But I have not told my parents- it would destroy them. :(

Like you, I know feel that noone will want to marry me. The pride I had of being untouched has been stolen from me in such a horrible way and no I feel that instead of a guy feeling so lucky they have someone who remained chaste will actually run the other way. I feel there is nothing to live for.

BUT you must have faith. I remind myself that. Ask Allah for help and he will. Inshallah, he has good things lined up for us. We didn't deserve it but maybe it's a test of how strong our faith is. Allah will take revenge on such an evil person. We cannot let selfish people like him ruin the rest of our life. I agree it difficult, I still cry everyday but I fund it helps to pray and remember Allah and I also now think it's wise to get counselling. I had my first one yesterday. A counsellor will not judge you and will help you with your feelings. You cannot let it be bottled up.

As for finding partners, Inshallah we will find good souls who are understanding. We can only pray for this.

From one sister to another, sending you love at this difficult time.

Salaam. xx

4:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ps. I felt like now I HAD to marry him- because I was a one-man woman. But you DO NOT. He does not deserve you. And given he already did such a heartless thing, he will do it again.



4:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sorry this happened to you. You don't have to hind this from your family and friends. If you ever decid to tell you your family and friends you might be surpised by thier by how supportive they will be. Don't blame your self he had right to do what he do. Even though you are a virgin anymore doesn't mean you can't call yourself one. He raped you and he took your virginty without your perission. What kind man asks he if can marry the women he just raped what kind person does that. When I was sexually assualted he barely said to me. Which is fine and danity with me.You should get some help from profesinals.

12:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am sorry to hear what happened to you. Last night at 1130 i was raped by a friend of mine. we had been friends since i moved to my current residence. I am 18 years old. the guy that did this to me is 22 and he was drinking. i yelled for help but none came. The think is that if i was paying attention to the signs i could of seen it coming. this man had made coments to my parents, that which i would of known at the time i would of been able to avoid the situation. i am very broken up. I wanted to kill myself. being forced to do something like this is not right. im crying writing this. After being raped. he fell asleep. i crawled out of the room and put my cloths on and called my mom. she took me home and called the cops. i had to have a rape kit done and that was very emmbarrising and degrating. part of me wished i had kept my mouth closed. but my parents are helping me threw it. he will be taken to jail, as should the guy that did this to you. I am telling you this so you know your not alone. i do not know where my life will go from here but i do know that it will be hard. i dont know if i can stand for anyone to touch me again. my mom touching my shoulder made me uncomfortable. If you need to talk to someone i am here. My email is im dearly sorry for what has happened. and i will pray for you. please write me. i will be here for you. and for those who dont believe her. how dare you. you werent there and you dont know how it feels to be forced to do something so awful. Estella.

12:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so sorry to hear about something so awful happening to you. (and to anyone who has anything negative to say to her... You should really go study the word rape and the culture she lives in. I think it's bs that you are so uncaring and ignorant. She is in pain, more pain than you can comprehend if you havent been in her shoes. So keep your ridiculious thoughts to yourself please.)
I was molested at the age of 5. I had no idea what any of that even was. Im 23 now with a child of my own, and I can say from experience that it does fade.. The painful memories. I think Ive blocked out a lot of the abuse from my memories anyway. Talking ab it does help. I didnt tell a soul until I wa 18 years old from fear of what others might think. Somehow I felt responsible because I didnt stop it. So I understand not umderstand what was going on. And I understand some of how you feel. Itll be ok girl! Love and prayers to you sweetie ~

6:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

dont hate your life. i know what you've been through... it happened to me when i was 7 =/ i still blame myself for it.. but the hardest part is realizing and accepting that its NOT YOUR FAULT. you are beautiful inside and out and NO ONE has the right to take your voice away from you or any part of you. You are loved and worth so much more. The best way to get back is to take it a day at a time and remind yourself of all the good things in your life... friends family pets even. you aren't alone <3

8:56 AM  
Blogger Nilesh666 said...

life has to go on

1:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If this is true i understand, i am myself a rape victim. I keep it to myself i feel nobody would ever believe me because he's the father of my child i was beat, choked and he held my arms down and forced my legs open with his. I screamed, prayed and even faught back til i got tired. I was silent. Until he finished. Scratches and bruises i cried and he turned to me and said " i thought you said you wanted it". And then he said i did this because you dont want to be with me. And told me then he was raped by his older brother at a young age. I felt helpless cause he's my childs father. I can say that one day i would talk about it to my family im just so ashamed. This is a time when you become closer to who you believe to be your maker. Forgive him. And with time you will be ok. But you will never forget. And remeber it was never your fault.

12:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i am also a rape victim when i was 8 i was raped but a boy 4yrs older than me and that thought lives with me forver dont worry its not your fault

11:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i am also a rape victim when i was 8 i was raped but a boy 4yrs older than me and that thought lives with me forver dont worry its not your fault

11:53 PM  
Anonymous said...

Aiesha, I know how u feel. I let this same action destroyed my life. But one day I relize I wasn't gonna let him overtake me. He could take my virginity away, but he could never take away my heart and my dreams. I was hard but I wanted release and freedom from a man who took me n my sisters innosence.just don't let it become u take charge of ur life. If u need to talk more I will just email me that's how I overcame the battle prayers go out to u.

10:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are so courageous to write about this.... It takes someone remarkable....

5:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

it is not your fault, your mind was shocked about the situation and he raped you because of that. You did not wanted for this to happened so its was not your will.

6:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I feel Your Pain, I was Raped and Molested from ages 7-12 by a uncle and I was told that if I told any one that he wold say it was my fault and that I wanted it and he would hurt me and my Family. he convinced me that I was the one that was doing wrong. So I never told anyone and it happened time and time again and at the age 13 I finally came out and told my Mom but never told her all the things that he had done to me and now I am 34 and it haunts me more today then it did when it happened. People say it will get over it but from my point U never get over it. I am married and have been for years and it effects my marriage in so many ways but I trust that one day he will get what is coming to him it may not be in this life but I do know that Jesus will handle the whole situation... So I Hope U find some Comfort in knowing that there R other women out there going through the say things as u R.....

4:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Aiesha, let me start by saying I am so sorry this happened to you. If you hear nothing else from my comment, please hear this "you did nothing to deserve this!" It was done TO you. There is only one person to blame and it is the monster who did this to you. I know you feel like you are a disgrace, but truth is you are beautiful and you are strong. I always felt weak and that I was a failure. I now know that it takes a very strong person to go thru what you have and yet get out of bed each morning and face a new day. I pray you can find a counselor who is learned in the area of rape. It took me many many years to find such a person and many years and tears to get to where I am today. I too questioned God. I now know that he could not stop the incest from happening no more than he could stop mans free will. BUT what he could do was hold me at 4 yrs old and protect me and give me what I needed to not only survive but to thrive. I know now just how much he loves me and I am humbled. You will get through this and you too will thrive.

6:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am very sorry this happened to you. I know what it feels like to be in your position. When I was 16, I was raped as well. It was by my boyfriend, we had only been dating for a month and he knew I was a virgin and wanted to wait until marriage to have sex. I wasn't expecting it either- I trusted that he would respect my wishes, and we had not done anything besides kiss. But he didn't respect me. And I was so shocked that I couldn't move and I couldn't say anything, meanwhile I was screaming inside my head. He asked me if I was okay afterwords, I said no, and after that he started to verbally harass me. I hated myself for not being able to say anything, and cried myself to sleep for a month until I had the courage to break up with him. I didn't tell anyone what happened- but my mother figured out something had happened when I fell apart after I broke up with him, so I told her. I was put on sleep medication, went to see a therapist and tried to continue with my life. It has been almost 4 years, and it is still really hard. However, I was able to focus on school and get into a great college. Although he may had power over me that day, I was the one to come out with the power. By continuing to live my life, go to college and keep moving forward, no matter how much I just wanted to die-that is what makes me strong, that is how I have control. I know your situation is not the same, but what I would advise you to think is " He may have had control over me that day, but I am Aiesha, and one cowardly excuse for a person can't take me down. It is my life, my happiness and as long as I keep going, as I long as I realize it isn't my fault and that I deserve to feel good about myself, then I'll be okay. That is how I win, one day of being overpowered isn't a loss for me but rather a life of being strong and accepting of myself is the ultimate success."

I know it's been awhile since your last blog post , and I don't know if you still read this at all, but talking about my experience has helped me, and once I realized that how I have control is continuing to live even though the memory and its consequences burn like acid inside, I am functioning, I am a regular college student. I won the power struggle.

I hope hearing someone else's perspective has helped- it certainly has helped me feel better that someone knows how I feel. Pity is one of the worst feelings, but empathy and shared experience, this situation, helps me feel like someday I might be okay.


9:05 AM  
Blogger SraAzul said...

You IDIOTS who don't believe her! She did not consent! He penetrated her! What the hell is wrong with all of you!

8:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Aisha Darling
We live in a world full of bad things and bad people with bad intentions and unfortunatly these things happen to us when we least expect it... this horrible thing happened and changed your life drastically..Its a wrecking Ball that wrecked your life leaving its marks and scars on your body and soul as a life time reminder of what happened! Its painfull i admit that we live in constant desbelieve to avoid dealing with all the emotions that come with what happened to us..i can imagine how hard it is to feel ashamed, dirty, unlikable and a misfit in society and to have something so pure and precious, something that you have been saving for the right person and something that was your pride been taken away from you by this animal that thought of this as a way of making him feel more of a man and showing his authority and power over you! Darling Dont let this define you, dont let this change who you where going to become if it hadnt happened..your dreams are still valid and your life is still worth living! Give yourself a chance to heal might sound impossible but its not..You are not less of a woman because of what happened, you are not a bad girl or a complete failure because of what happened! NO You are not what happend to you and you shall never be! Its easier to blame ourselves and hate ourselves at the beginning because of the pain, we need to hold someone responsible for what happened and due to fear its easier to hold ourselves responsible and punish ourselves but you need to know that this was not your fault..its not the way you were dressed its not the way your body is formed or how grown you are ITs NOT YOUR FAULT! Surround yourself with love because at the end of the day time heals all! people will talk and judge because they dont really know what they are talking about they havent felt the pain so its easier to judge but again dont blame them either for not knowing! Aisha i wish you a beautiful life ahead of you.. yes its going to be hard and scary but you need to move on and go after the life you want! Aisha love yourself first! I feel your pain maybe in a more intense way due to the way things happened to me but with all my heart i WISH YOU THE BEST! This came to destroy you but dont let it..make your life worth living!
From a distant friend that shares your pain

1:20 PM  

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