Fear of BeingTouch

I had told to one of my none-Kuwaiti friend about it while we were chatting on instant massages. Of course, she was shocked and angry. She said that explains everything, the way I act, think or react and she said “that’s why you don’t like to be touched too …”. I was surprised “me? I don’t like to be touched?” I never realized that until she mentioned it. Exactly, I don’t like to be touched by anybody. When somebody touches me, I bound to have my own space from the other person.

My Feelings

Weak Sad Depressed Angry

Lonely Hurt Abused Lost

Afraid Mad Dirty Heartbroken

Ashamed Mixedup Tense

Am I a Drama Queen

Sometimes, I think I am a drama queen because I stress my self a lot, and let this taking a lot of my energy and totally had changed my life… There are lots of different women had been raped and under worst conditions such as being raped by their father, brothers, uncles and so on... not as my case. But some of them are lucky because they have supporters, somebody listen to them, not afraid to tell them about their experience... I think the only thing blocking me from healing process is not talking about it. I cannot write because whenever I try to write something, I start having tears in my eyes; stopping me from writing. But I know I have to do it, I must talk about it. At least somebody is reading this and maybe help me by advising me and write her/his thoughts.

It Hurts!

Such along time after my last post... I am not sure to keep blogging my diary. It is not easy for me to write down my feelings or my thoughts. At least, I feel a lot better after my last post. I have been struggling through this alone and nobody by my side because I cannot tell about it even to my closest ones. I hate to read what I wrote "it hurts". Well, I will try to write about my past experience and how it still effecting my life… and how I am trying to cope with it...

Trying to Regain Life After Being Raped

It was a week after my 18th Birthday. I never thought that event has changed my whole life, my personality, my spirits, my future, the way I look to the world. Even it's been few years, I still struggle to have clear thoughts and be focused in my life.

He was my male friend, just a friend and no more. He was 25 years of age. I still don't know why he did it and what he thought of me. I am Middle Eastern girl and Kuwaiti. He was Middle Eastern guy and Kuwaiti too. I was such naive girl and I still question and blame my self "why did I let him do it?" He told me he needed a help picking out some clothes to go out. So I went up stairs never knew what awaits me that changed my whole life. He closed the door behind me, showed me his wardrobe. I cannot recall the exact details on what happened or how it started. Maybe my unconsciousness mind wants badly to forget what happened that night. Then the next thing I knew I was on his bed after he undressed my lower part of my clothes.

I don't know I feel stupid, and weak. I don't know why I didn't resist him, kick him or scream. I wasn't aware of what was going on. I hate my self because I lacked on sexual knowledge. I never knew what's rape like, or having sex is. It's banned to talk about sex or mention the word sex in my family or basically in Middle Eastren Culture. So I don't know when a guy approach me sexually is like.

That night, I let him to rape me. I hate my self, I really do, I still hate my self. After I lost my virginity, it felt weird. He asked me if I needed to go to the bathroom which I did. I still don't know what happened. But later, I realized that I am not virgin anymore which I realized too what happened and the consequences of that action. I couldn't believe that it did happened to me. "I am a disgrace to my family honor. Is my brother going to hate me or maybe kill me? My dad?? Oh my God, my mom will be in schock. I am not a good girl anymore..." but I believe I am a good girl. I never had boy friend, or flirted. All my teenage life, I was focusing on school and studying. I was such an ambitious girl who earned straight A's in school and dreamed to finishing college, form family, kids, and a life that everyone dream of. But I cannot live that dream after that night. All my dreams had fanished on one event.

I went back to his room shocked, disbelieve. He told me "Do you know what happened?". I said in low voice "Yes". He said "You are not a girl anymore. You are mine...." . I start sobbing. He said "we can get married now if you want to. Then I will ask your hand later from your parents". I refused and I cried even more. No, I am not going to marry my rapist.

I couldn't believe that was happening to me. "Why me? Why me? What did I do wrong in my life to deserve this?" I always question Allah until this day. I cannot find an answer. I even think that Allah don't exist anymore. Why Allah wants me to suffer and be miserable for the rest of my life?

I started to fear people and I cannot ever trust any person especially males. I start to every everybody gets near me, fearing to be touched and raped. "Dose this guy wants to rape me?" My life turned to be unstable and basically living in fear all the time. I never feel safe. I turned to be unhappy person, deattaced my self to my friends, and family. My grades has dropping down, and now I am out of college. I decided to keep this to my self, but it's killing me. I cannot keep this secret to my self anymore. "What should I do?" I know my life is doomed now and I could never find anyone to love me, and support me and be my life partner. I will be a loner for the rest of my life. My life sucks!! I hate my life!!